describe your symptoms for me March 2nd, 2008
i still plan to post more thoughts on the article below, but since i’m posting twice today (wow) i figured it would be ok to do a different topic.
i’m writing to describe my depression. i’m not really sure why, but maybe it’s just so that i will feel like it’s still a real thing and not just my imagination.
for starters, let’s clear something up. i don’t want to be depressed. i hate it. it’s a terrible way to live, especially in its unpredictability. i haven’t really been down for more than a day at a time since i started taking meds in August, but for the last two weeks or so things have been awful. one time i heard a guy say that it seems like it’s “cool” to be depressed or something, since so many people seem to be affected by it. i have no idea what he meant.
what’s it like? well, when it’s really bad it’s like my mind has shut down to “survival level”. for example i went to the doctor on thursday to get my stitches out, and when i was describing the last two weeks i wanted to say “it’s like somebody flipped a switch” and it was so hard to get the words “flipped a switch” out of my mouth. i had to pause, long enough for the doc to wonder if i was ok or not before i could spit it out… it’s like i’ve been drinking- i feel dizzy, tired, i can’t form sentences easily. i just want to lie down and close my eyes. this is really a bummer in that i have a wife and kids. i mean, they need me to not be like that, but i can’t help it. i will make myself a stiff americano, feel better for 20 mins and be right back where i started. (yeah, caffeine is not supposed to be good for depression, but i’m grasping at straws, and sometimes it’s all i can do.)
sometimes i will be having a conversation with a person, and they will be talking, and it’s like they are in the other room. i can’t really hear them, but i know they’re saying something. their voice is all muffled and far-away sounding, and i just have to sort of shake myself in to wakefulness in order to not look like an idiot. usually i repeat the last thing i heard them say, to try to cover for the fact that i haven’t heard the last 25 words they have spoken. the other night this guy was talking about a hat his wife got him for Christmas, and he must’ve said the word “Christmas” like 5 times in the story. when he was done i asked him if he’d gotten it for his birthday. i felt like such a tool. i think he thought i was kidding. also– i didn’t recognize him at all when i saw him, although i’d been in a meeting with him for most of the day before. sheesh.
sometimes i’m just completely negative. nothing is good, or can be good. everything is shaded in dark negativity. when this is strongest, my eyes won’t open all the way. it looks like i just woke up, and my eyes aren’t ready to be open, they just sort of sit there, especially my right eye. it sounds funny, but my mom actually noticed and asked me about it- “ben, your eye looks like it’s not open all the way- what’s going on?” thanks for noticing, mom. i told her that it happens when i’m really down.
anger follows me around when i’m depressed. i am angry with other people, criticizing almost everything and every one. it’s a bummer. nobody likes to hang with me when i’m like that (obviously).
so anyway, there’s a little depression description for you, in case you didn’t know what it’s like.
