benparsons.com

gotcha! this should’ve been titled “how in the name of william shatner can one possibly decide what they want to do/be with their life?!?”, because i have no idea.

ok, that’s not true. i have some ideas, but they’re sort of vague beginnings, and not real solution-types. they’re like the people you meet at a club who know everything about the band onstage, but have no social skills, so you don’t really want to hang out with them, but they’re still sort of useful to have around.

this is such a difficult question for me. it really confuses me that it’s so easy for some people. i was listening to AM talk radio the other day (it’s sort of a requirement, once you have kids) and the host, 710 KIRO’s Dave Ross, was talking about how he’d always known he wanted to be on the radio, ever since he was a kid. apparently there are old photos of him as a kid, with his little pretend radio studio and microphone set up so that he can interview people and talk to his audience. he’s really good at his job, too. by that i mean he’s not a one-sided, catch phrase tossing dumbass like many talk radio hosts. he said that his daughters tell him that’s so weird that he’s known his whole life, and that life is not like that for most people. i agree.

i used to think God would tell me what to do with my life. turns out he wont, which is ok because it also turns out i don’t want him to. i mean, how weird would that be? ok, if it was something really cool then i’d be down with it, but other than that, i don’t think so.

the question i’m mulling over here is- how does one do this?

some of the possibly helpful ideas i referred to above include:
-know yourself well enough to recognize your strengths, weaknesses, interests and abilities. this may require an intensive study of your life, family, and self
-be realistic, meaning don’t have unreasonable goals like “unless i make a gold record my first time out, i quit”
-along with that, be specific- don’t set super easy undefinable goals like “i want to be a good dad”- i mean, that’s just dandy, but how do you know if you’ve accomplished it or not?

although i’ve done the above somewhat, i’m still lost as to what else needs to happen for me to figure this out.to be more specific, let’s take my music as an example. i like making music most of the time, although i don’t like performing it as much, as i usually feel really stressed out when performing. i’ve spent a chunk of money making it possible for me to create some quality stuff, but how do i know if this is “it”?

there are a bunch of ways we usually decide this- things like: do others enjoy it and give me praise for it? does it give me joy/life personally to do it? does the time seem to “fly by” when i’m doing this thing? can i make a living doing this? will this get me recognition/prestige/groupies? will i “make a difference” by doing this?again, these questions may not be asked by everybody, but i think they are asked by a lot of us. to continue with my music example, i’ve found people’s reception of my music to be somewhat restrained. [ok, right now, anyone reading this who thinks they should "encourage me" by telling me how great my music is, in order to help me "feel better" please don't. that's just annoying.] i’d say that, by my count i only have 1 or 2 “real” fans, and a bunch of “family/friend” fans. (i define a “real fan” as somebody who listens to some similar music, and likes mine. friend/family fans are people who like it, but mostly because of their relationship to me). i may be underestimating a bit, but not by much. please don’t use my “1500 myspace friends” as an argument here- about 95% of those are other bands just trying to get their name out there. *note* this isn’t a pity party, i’m just doing some processing and i want your help.

so- not a lot of people really dig it, i’m not that great at it (after around 4 years of producing), and i just don’t get that much out of it anymore. it used to be a real creative outlet for me that i was excited about, but it’s become somewhat of a chore. i know that this happens with anything we do, but still…

for me- the question is: should i keep producing music or not? i put lots of time, energy, soul and money in to it, and don’t get much back. maybe i should be doing something else with my time.

if i went by the word of people who know me, i would become a writer. that’s the thing that i get the most positive feedback on (this may be a surprise to you, considering the sloppiness of this blog!) when i used to do public speaking i also got a pretty good amount of positive feedback from that, but i find it quite draining physically and emotionally.

moving along- i picked up a book of short stories by Chuck Palahniuk from the library called Stranger Than Fiction. this guy rules, in my opinion. he’s an amazing writer. he wrote Fight Club, one of my favorite books/movies ever, as well as a few other bestsellers. he’s talented, raw, powerful and successful. how did he decide to become a writer? how did he slog through the first however many years of making NO MONEY for his work, to becoming a sought-after writer of both fiction and non-fiction, interviewer, and biographer?

i bought a nice set of art pens the other day. i bought them because i wanted to try out making art with ink instead of just watercolor. i haven’t tried them yet, but how much time should i spend finding out if pens are going to be a good medium for me or not?

do you get my drift?

i want to know what to focus on. i don’t want to be doing a C+ job on 10 things forever, but at the same time i have such a difficult time deciding.

help!
i leave you with a picture from a recent staff meeting. feel the mood?